It would have been my husband’s 50th earthly birthday yesterday, and so I want to dedicate this blog to him.
Two weeks ago, I got the privilege of heading to Stone Mountain, GA for a retreat called Rest. I have been in a mentorship for six months with one of my favorite worship leaders Kim Walker Smith. She has gotten me through some tough moments in my life with her songs of strength and faith, and it finally came to pass that I got to sit at her table. Each day of this retreat was a time of worship, reflection, prayer, communion, fellowship, and most importantly, REST. I went into this journaling this thought:
Rest is your portion!
That got me curious. 🤔
What size portion?
I have a lot of food references when I write, for food is nourishment to our bodies, and so the Holy Spirit seems to give me food for thought. 🤭
The place of the retreat was beautiful. The weather was perfect. Everything we did was outside, so we were able to take in the beauty of Fall. This trip is the first time I have gone off alone since my diagnosis really, and I am happy to say my energy is back y’all. 🙌🏼 It makes me want to cry to say it, for my energy has been low for over six months and I have been working really hard to repair this strained engine within.
We had some time to sit and journal with some questions that were given. The Father gave me this word picture and so I want to share it with you today. I asked the Father, “why have I had to witness (see) some really tough tragedies? Why does this have to be a part of my story?” This is what I wrote after:
You have the capacity to see and do. You don’t freeze. This is a gift. Help others grow as you grow in awareness to living in the spirit realm daily. A Sea-Doo rides the waves, fast and maneuvers over the waves, but they do run out of gas and need repair and maintenance. They are known for going fast, but it doesn’t last. Just like you—repair and maintenance is Key in this season.
I found this the day before I got to the retreat. The Father is into the details.
The last day of our retreat, we had the privilege of being a part of a live recorded album. All of our mentors who are active mainstream worship leaders/artist were the ones singing all the songs, and we got to be their choir. I could not believe the songs ended up being from the 90’s era, and so it took me back to my youth group days. I had an amazing youth group. That was my intro into worship leading really, for I was part of our youth team. This became a full circle moment for me. It was like going back in time, but yet fully present and feeling fully aligned. These are parts of my youth beginnings and also part of something new happening too. That is so like God to allow one to go back into remembrance and yet also propelling us forward.
As we got to the last song of the night, we sang one of my favorites, Do You Feel the Mountains Tremble. The leader gave some time for the musicians to riff a little bit, and then all of a sudden tears started coming down my face.
You see, my husband was my favorite drummer, and as the drummer played that night, I heard a sound that was familiar and something I didn’t know I even missed. Yet, for just a few moments, I felt like Ben was playing. I can’t even write it now without crying. Guys, this is the magic of His healing presence. You never know when the Holy Spirit will allow present moments to take you back into your past and allow His healing touch and sound to penetrate you so deeply.
As soon as it was over, and after I regulated myself enough, I went right over to the drummer to communicate what had just happened. He hugged me and we both cried. He gave me a gift that night, for he caught a rhythm I believe is a sound in heaven. It had an eternal sound and my heart couldn’t stop crying. Getting the chance to experience Ben in this way was a gift I will never forget. The drummer also said he would never forget the words that I shared. It was deep. It was emotional. It was all God.
I sent this thought to my family later that night, and so I want to share it here, for it rhymes:
The last song when they lingered, the drummer got into a rhythm that felt like Ben. I was undone. I went right after to talk to him and shared he gave me a gift of hearing a sound that is no longer around. Thank you Jesus for Your kindness and giving us a glimpse of those that we miss.
Can you believe it? I know I couldn’t, for the man is no longer here, but yet I got to hear him in the present. Jesus has undone something inside of me completely from this, y’all.
I’m going to call this—grieving from an eternal well.
Here is something else I wrote in my journal before this night happened:
“Keep allowing My presence to go deeper and deeper and deeper into your marrow where it feels more narrow.” 🎶
I said, “what is it about, the bones?”
“Bones are your support on this earth.”
Genesis 2:23, “The man said, this is now bone of my bone and flesh my flesh. She shall be called woman for she was taken out of a man.”
The word taken, one of the definitions is to take hold of oneself or to be led.
I said, “why this verse?”
“There is an eternal root system in this verse. Meditate on this, for more will be given as you choose eternal living.”
I said, “thank You Jesus for being near, it’s beautiful here and I feel Your presence, so let’s cheer!”
I said, “what about the song?”
“Yes, it’s for the song, but it also goes beyond the song itself, for the cross gave Me you (a line from this unfinished song). ✝️Doesn’t that feel true?”
“So, develop that truth with an eternal melody root. Music you can feel in your bones. I know you know this, but you are known by Me, so keep growing and flowing with that eternal frequency.” 💖
This is what walking in the spirit sounds like y’all. These words go beyond my wildest understanding of what the Holy Spirit can do when you surrender your all to Him. It causes me to ball my eyes out 😭, for His presence is so overwhelmingly good and more frequent than I ever knew it could or would be.
So, Happy Belated Birthday Ben. You gave me an early birthday present and it was better than I could have ever imaged it could be. 🥰
Heavenly gifts always lift. 🥁😇🥳
Here is the link to that global night of worship:
May you take some time to connect with the Divine. This hour and 20 minutes of pure worship will change you if you engage with it. Amen and Amen.
Until next time,
Keep gliding 🪁
& Smiling 😁